The key to happiness, according to the latest research, is knowing where to look. We’re conditioned from a young age to aim high and seek fulfilment in a better job, fresh achievement and further success – and yet these goals are more likely to make us miserable. If we’re driven, it may hold us back, says Dr Raj Raghunathan at the University of Texas. His research shows that supposedly successful and “intelligent” people don’t make life choices that lead to happiness. He noticed that after a reunion with his PhD class, the more visible their achievements – work promotions, pay rises, fancy holidays and bigger homes – the more unfulfilled and distracted they seemed overall.
As a result he started to research why certain psychological traits – the desire to control, to feel important, needed and wanted – are the very ones that can get in the way of our wellbeing. He identifies five key areas that can have a huge effect on our wellbeing – all of which are within our control.
Don’t pursue happiness
It’s a bit of a balancing act but we need to prioritise rather than chase happiness. The difference is crucial. Many of us believe, in theory, that it’s important and rank it above being intelligent and making money, and yet in reality we sacrifice happiness for other things. Take steps to increase the odds of feeling happy rather than obsessing about whether or not you feel happy.
First steps Recognise what makes you happy – hanging out with friends, visiting the countryside, getting a good night’s sleep. Whatever it is, make a list and prioritise those things.
Take responsibility
Never blame others for your unhappiness. Tell yourself it’s in your own hands, whatever the outcome. We have the power and ability to control our own thoughts and feelings, regardless of what is happening to us externally. Feeling in control internally is highly liberating and will make you feel happier.
First steps Arguably the most powerful way to take internal control is to have a healthier lifestyle. Start by taking care of yourself; be a little more active each day, eat one extra piece of fruit, be aware of which physical activities make you feel better and make them part of your routine.
Don’t compare
If you tether your happiness to feeling superior to others, you’ll be frustrated a lot of the time. Even if you think you’re doing better than your peers, sooner or later someone will overtake you. If not, age will catch up. Comparisons can be tempting – we use them as a way to try to motivate ourselves; one way to fool ourselves about succeeding is to think, “I’ll be the best in the world, in my class, in my office.” But you’ll find the goalposts will constantly change and, in the end, you can never win.
First steps When you measure yourself against those around you, you’ll be drawn to dwell on your own flaws. Be aware of this damaging trait and be kinder to yourself – the less you compare, the happier you will be.
Follow the flow
Most of us have experienced it, but probably not as much as we’d like; the kind of experience in which you get so absorbed you lose track of time.
Being in the moment also means lacking self-consciousness; when we’re completely engaged, we don’t care how well or poorly we’re doing.
First steps What we love to do most is what will make us happiest. Look at what you’re good at, particularly what you lose yourself in – whether it’s writing, travelling, cooking, running. Make a list and get it into your routine.
Trust strangers
The more we perceive we can trust people we don’t know, the happier we’ll be. The happiest countries and communities are those that feel they can trust the citizens around them. It’s easy to see why. If you can’t trust your taxi driver to give you the right change, or the postman to drop off your mail, you’ll lose sleep and you won’t be happy. It’s one thing to trust friends and family, but having faith in strangers is an indication of how much you’ll trust life in general.
First steps Start by being more open; talk to one stranger each day – in a shop, at work. Focus on the positive aspect of talking to people you don’t know; not the fear that you can’t trust them.
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